I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I can't find any place that's safe long enough to post anything. I've been driving almost constantly for the past several days.

I'm so tired but I can't stop. Once I got going, I couldn't make myself take my foot off the accelerator. Nothing feels safe. I think I've reached the point where I'm so exhausted that I can barely feel anything normally anymore. And I keep seeing that skinny bastard out of the corner of my eye.

He's there right now.

Trying to break me again.

Got to go.

I'm alive. And sort of sane.

And I found something.

But I've got to get out of New Jersey. Heading south again. I'll post when I find a safe place to stop.

Repeat Resolution

I'm going back to my mother's house.

It's stupid.

It's reckless.

It's probably going to get me mind raped again.

And I don't care.

What else can I do?

I don't even know if I'll find any answers.

But...damn it, I just...

I don't care what happens to me anymore. I just want to find answers.

So...cheers.

Functional Brevity

I'm sorry I've been so quiet lately, people. I...guess I wasn't as functional as I thought.

I remember very little of the past week. What I do remember is a lot of sitting in the car, staring at nothing. And my head hurting. It pretty much always hurts, now.

Huh. Another thing my mom had.

I'm becoming a lot like her.

...Fuck.

Thinking

I'm...functional. Sort of. Oh God...these past few days..at least I coudln't remember what happened after my home burned down.

But I can remember everything about this.

I got to New Jersey on the 6th, and I made that quick post. Then I drove through the town, getting lost a couple times, until I found my mother's old house.

It was a two-story, old-fashioned sort of place. Brick, blinds drawn on the windows, grass overgrown in the front yard. Bit of graffiti sprayed on the side. The driveway was potholed like mad, so i pulled up in front instead.

The neighborhood was very quiet. there were'nt all that many other houses nearby, and I couldn't see any signs of life from any of them except for a car here and there. It was like the whole place was holding its breath, waiting for something. I could feel that awful creeping at hte back of my neck, but no one jumped out of hte bushes, so I made my way to the front door.

It was open.

And I, being the complete and utter IDIOT that I am, walked inside.

It was dark inside, I couldn't see much, and every step I took seemed ot rattle the house. There were no sounds besides my own. by the time I crossed the hallway into the next room, I was alreayd shaking like mad.

and he was there.

Waiting for me.

I remember freezing, staring at that blank face, those hideously long arms that slithered down his sides. I remember his tentacles plunging forward and wrapping themselves around me. It was dark, it was so dark, and I couldn't hear anything but the sound of my own voice screamign.

Then I heard him.

It was...it was like a thunderstorm going off inside my mind, a voice that shook hte foundations of hte world. I could feel my ears bleeding, and then I coudln't feel anything at all but the sound of his voice.

He wormed his way into my mind, it hurt, it hurt so much, he was telling me things, things I couldn't understand, telling me I would be his, telling me to serve him, call him He That Is, telling me I had no choice, that this was hte way the world would end, with all of us devoured by his power and drowned in our own fear.

But...

I don't know how.

But I said no.

He...he didn't like that.

I kept saying no.

He kept pounding at my mind, whether it was to turn me into one of his servants or just to drive me completely insane, I don't know. But...but I couldn't...I couldn't say yes.

It felt like eternity. One small speck against the crushing power of the dark.

Finally, he...he pulled away. It felt like someone yanking a sword out of my gut. I came to, and it was dark and I couldn't see but i was alive. I stumbled out of that house, got into my car, and cried. It was a long time before I could make myself get moving.

I haven't left hte town. It's stupid and I'm just asking for him to come after me again, but I can't leave yet.

I think...I think I understand something.

"I am not yours." That's what I kept thinking. That's what...that's what my mom said. Her drawings, her ramblings, every so often, she'd say that.

I...I have to go. I need to think things over.

hes gone i cant haer him hes out of my head why how how am i still alive oh god my headmyhead

iamnotyoursiamnotyoursiamnotyoursiwillneverbeyoursyoucannottakemeyoucannotcontrolmeyoumaybreakmymindandmybodyandmysoulbutyouwillnotmakemeoneofyours

getout

nonononogetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadyoucanthavemegetoutgetoutgetoutGETOUT

Arrival Time

Here I am in Jersey, right on the outskirts of my mother's hometown.

It's quite small, a little place right outside of Newark. I won't say exactly where; from reading the blogs, I know that this state is a bloody hotbed of proxy activity.

This is just a quick update. I'll try and write some more tonight. First order of business is to visit the house where my mother grew up.

Oh fun.

Highway Boredom

Driving all day is...very dull.

I guess I should be glad it was boring. That's preferable to "AAGH FIRE DEATH MY ORGANS ARE BEING SPLATTERED ONTO TREES" stuff, yeah?

I'm taking it slowly. If I floored the car, I would be in NJ by now, but I don't know what sort of unholy havoc that would wreak on the engine. Plus, I'm trying to psyche myself up for this. I don't want to just barrel into NJ, hop out of my on-fire car, and shout, "Hello, Garden State! Tell me your secrets!"

God, I'm getting very tired of these cheap hotels. At the same time, I'm not desperate enough to try and camp out in my car. I mean, look where that got me last time...

Right. Anyway. I'm going to try and sleep, and I should be arriving at my destination tomorrow. I'll try to come up with a plan in the meantime.

Wedding Dreams

I had an...interesting dream last night.

It started out as a wedding. One of my best friends was getting married, and he showed up to the wedding in casual wear. No one seemed to mind, and I have to admit that this would be rather in-character for him.

Rings were swapped, vows were exchanged, the clergyman made it through without any sign of a speech impediment, and the dream moved onto the reception.

Then I saw a tall man in the crowd with no face. I think you can guess where this is going.

He just stood there, staring at me, surrounded by people who didn't seem to see him. Then his arms stretched and morphed into thousands of tentacles and began to tear the walls apart. The ceiling started to fall in, people were screaming, and my friend, my very best friend, the one I've been in love with for years, was ripped apart and thrown aside like a doll.

There was so much blood...

And all I could do was stand there, watching as the nightmare spiraled into fire and death, hearing my dad's voice yelling at me to run and not look back. I couldn't move, I couldn't think, not even as one of his tentacles wrapped itself around my throat and started to squeeze...

I woke myself up screaming.

So far, there's been no sign of the Slender Man outside my dreams. What is he waiting for? Is he distracted with all the other runners and fighters? Is he just playing with me, waiting for my mind to break on its own?

I can't let that happen. Not before I find out why he was after my mother, why he stalked her from childhood. Maybe there wasn't anything special about her. Maybe that's just him, his sick, twisted method of interaction.

But...I think there's more to this.

Time to start up the crappy car and start driving.

Transportation Arrangements

Well, I got my car. It's a 1997 Honda Accord, and I got it for about $2000 (which meant it has about a billion miles on it).

It's a piece of crap, but I'm armed with a car manual and checklist of things to watch out for, so if something goes wrong, I should be able to handle it.

And if all else fails...duct tape.

I'm writing from the "lounge" of another truly awful hotel. I've lost track of how many bugs I've seen crawling on the walls, but at least nobody asks questions. I'm a bit...conspicuous with my face all cut up, so hopefully those will heal soon. I'm just glad the doctors didn't ask about the scars on my arms; I would've had a hard time explaining. "Oh, don't mind those, doctor, I think they're just remnants of an eldritch abomination trying to kill me. Nothing to worry about."

Right then. New Jersey, here I come.

Decision Expansion

So, about that car.

I made my decision to stop relying on public transportation and get a car after I was jumped by a proxy while on a bus.

That sentence sounds incredibly grammatically awkward, but I can't bring myself to make it better.

I'm...not exactly sure what happened. I was sitting in my seat near the front, staring out the window and trying to stay awake, when...God, I don't really know. But somebody punched me and there was blood and it hurt hurt hurt and people were screaming and...

It was not fun.

When my brain had finished processing "punched in the head, somebody's trying to kill you," I realized I was pinned in the aisle of the bus, and some big guy was reaching for my throat. He was huge, way stronger than me. I tried to scramble away, but he got his fingers around my throat and was squeezing and I couldn't breathe it hurt couldn't breathe

Then I...

I don't know...

I just remember there was this hideously loud sound and crashing. Maybe the bus crashed. Maybe we slammed into something. Hell, maybe a Goddamn unicorn ran in front of us and impaled the bus on its horn. I don't know. But I found myself lying face down in glass and metal. There was blood all over the place, people crying. I couldn't move, and everything hurt so damn bad...Somebody came over and look at me, felt my pulse.

They held my hand.

It...whoever that person was...thank you. I wish I could've seen your face.

It seemed like forever, but eventually I heard the sound of the ambulances. They started loading people up. I think I passed out as they came for me.

I woke up in the hospital a while later. The accident was on Monday night, and I came to early Tuesday morning, spent the next few days recuperating. I'm lucky. I came away with just a cracked rib and my face all cut up, but some people on that bus...they didn't make it.

God, I feel...I feel so guilty. If I hadn't been on that bus...

So yeah.

Getting a car and getting the hell out of this state. New Jersey's my destination. Why?

Because my mother's from New Jersey. I don't know what I'll find there, but I'm planning to head over to her hometown and...do...something. I guess. I'm just flailing around here.

So that's been my week.

I've had better.